I’m sick of my stupid head. I spend so much time wallowing in a hole that I can’t get out of. Of course, once I’m out of it, after a few hours my elation turns to apprehension, because I’m so scared of falling back in and the next thing I know, I’m there once more. I can feel it happening as I type this.
It’s probably not helped by the fact that today I fucking bottled it. I’d been given a (admittedly non-paying) project by someone and the pressure of wanting to do well led me to no longer be able to face it. I was so scared I just gave up. I’m sure I’ll come to regret it and there’ll be a lot of self mental beatings, but at the moment I feel that it’s a huge load off my mind.
Now my to-do list reads “CV”. I think it’s about time I actually attempted to get a proper job. Even though the inevitable sad truth is that whatever I end up with, it won’t pay as much as I’m being paid now despite my current job requiring two A-Levels and my desired position is at least a Graduate one. Yay.
On Tuesday I got registered with the Staff Bank at my current workplace, meaning I’ll occasionally be on the receiving end of a mass text, asking if I can come and be an A&E receptionist, or do some photocopying. I’m not sure which task sounds worse. Regardless, I have a strong, strong suspicion that I will be ignoring all of those texts.